I always thought there was ‘someone’ up there ↑ who hated me.
That this ‘someone’ wanted me to suffer, that they were doing whatever they could to give me the shittiest life they believed I deserved.
I vividly remember heading out one day, about 3 and a half years ago, to the local park with my daughter who was about 18 months or so at the time. I was taking our dog, Crank, with us to give him a run at the park too.
I was in a bad mood (but then I was ALWAYS in a bad mood, at the very least) and probably for no real reason at all other than the fact I believed my life was shit.
It was time to go so I bent over to pick up my daughter and my phone slipped out of my bag. Now, my bag was completely stuffed full of baby clothes, nappies, wipes, food, water and who knows what other crap. It was so heavy and I literally could not get one more thing in there. So, when my phone slipped out of my bag and onto the tiled floor smashing the screen, I was so pissed. I couldn’t believe it had happened. How on earth did it fall out of there?
My phone was almost 2 years old but I was going to keep it when the plan ran out in a couple of months and put myself on a cheaper plan to save a bit of money. I was proud of myself for taking good care of my phone which made me even angrier that my phone was now ruined. There were little bits of glass from the screen on the floor and the screen was now sharp in the places the glass was missing from. There was no way I was going to be able to continue to use the phone without the risk of cutting my cheek.
On the way out to the car I felt such hot, red anger inside of me (nothing unusual). I looked up to the sky and said angrily “fuck you” to this someone who decided it was their mission to make my life as miserable as possible. How dare they keep wreaking havoc on my life and depriving me of being happy. I was trying to be happy but they were keeping that from me.
I mean, what other explanation was there? Who was this ‘someone’?
And, why the hell were they doing this to me?
By the time we arrived at the park I was a little calmer. We took Crank to the dog park, then went over to the children’s playground so my daughter could have a play. I tied crank up close by but all he did was cry because he hated being away from us. He just wanted to be running around with all of the kids too.
I had enough of his whinging after about 15 minutes. We found a nice spot at a table closer to the water and I left him off his leash for a while. I knew I was doing the wrong thing but I hated to keep him tied up. We played for a little bit then sat down to have a snack.
As I was packing everything up to head back home a couple of council inspectors came over to speak to me. They questioned me about having Crank off his leash and then issued me with a $150 fine.
Well, now this definitely proves THAT ‘someone’ really and truly hated me. What a fucking day I was having. What a fucking life I was having!
I called my husband on the way back to the car to tell him what had happened, crying and wondering why my life sucked so much. I was trying to be good. I was trying to be better, and I was definitely doing all I could to be happy but this ‘someone’ was denying me that. They were interfering with that. Why, why, why?????
I deserved to be happy, didn’t I?
I deserved to feel good about myself?
But, I knew I didn’t. I knew I didn’t deserve anything but the horrible things which kept on occurring.
I wasn’t worth it.
This memory came back to me today. Of swearing up at this ‘someone’. I have thought of it often over the past 3 or so years since it happened but today I finally understood it. Toady the pieces fell into place about that ‘someone’ (I had actually forgotten about this ‘someone’ until today).
That ‘someone’ was me.
There was never any mystical ’someone’ up there in the heavens watching over me and playing with me as if I were some toy there were manipulating. Destroying my life with their evilness because they believed I didn’t deserve to feel good, to feel happy and to actually have a great life.
I was the one in control. I was the one manipulating my life into the shit show it was.
But even saying that my life was not a shit show. I only BELIEVED it was because that was the mindset of a woman who hated who she was. Who she had become. Who she was raised to be.
I was raised by a woman who also didn’t like who she was. Her childhood was traumatic and this blended into her adulthood, then motherhood. She was not taught how to love who she was or even like who she was so how was she supposed to teach that to her three daughters?
As for my father. Well, he doesn’t really exist. All he gave me was a fear of abandonment.
When I gave birth to my daughter she looked up at me and smiled. I mean, actually smiled. A proper smile. I will never forget it.
I will also never forget the day we were told our son had passed away while he was still inside my belly. Until that day I believed everything happened for a reason. But what was this reason? What was the reason our son was taken away from us?
12 months to the day when we found out Harry had no heartbeat we found out we were pregnant again. Of course we were thrilled but also extremely scared. What if it happened again? What if that ‘someone’ took our baby away again?
But deep down I knew. I always knew we would have a daughter. But what was the reason Harry came to us? Why was he given to us and then taken away? It was just another horrible thing to happen to me. Wasn’t it?
Looking back at my life from this point right now as I sit here writing this… I travelled the world. I met lots of awesome people. I had wonderful jobs working as a nanny. I met the love of my life. I gave birth to 2 beautiful children. I have a great step-son. I own a house. I have a car which I can rely on to get me where I need to go. I live in a beautiful part of Australia. I have fantastic friends. I have a great family (even if we are a little messed up). I have a nutrition qualification. I have a PT qualification. I have a Ho’oponopono qualification. I have enough money to live a great life. The list goes on.
…there was one consistent element to everything which ‘happened’ to me.
It was me. All along. I was doing those things to myself. I was causing myself pain and misery because I could not believe I was worth anything more than that.
I had told myself over and over and over again “I am not worth it”, “I do not deserve to be happy” and “I do not deserve to be free of this hatred for myself”.
What would that even feel like? To be happy? To be free? I wouldn’t have a clue. I have no memory of ever feeling that way. I would have felt that way at one time in my life.
We don’t come into this world with such burdens on ourselves. We are born into our new world with hope, desire and a longing to be loved; leaving behind the accumulation of negativity, bitterness and anguish which developed during our last time on this earth. But yet our soul continues to yearn for peace, gratitude and love with each new body it inhabits because our souls have a purpose.
Yet, that purpose can be confined and ignored, especially when the new owner of the soul is not taught to love themselves enough to give their soul a chance to do what they are here to do.
Over the past 2 years I have been guided in my life without me fully realising it. When I first decided to become a nutritionist I wanted to help children understand nutrition so they can live a healthy and happy life. So, after graduation I put my time and effort into helping children. I was a nanny for about 15 years so it seemed like the perfect conclusion.
However, as I was developing my nutrition around children I felt I was being directed elsewhere. It was hardly noticeable at first but when I look back the signs were there. I kept writing about adults more than children, I felt more comfortable talking about nutrition for adults; but then it became more specialised.
As someone who has been on the weight loss roller-coaster for about 30 years and finally gotten off the ride I narrowed my expertise to help other amazing women with their own weight loss evolution. But while I was moving in a different direction and knowing it was the right direction, I still had trouble with my mind.
My mindset was fucking crazy. It was still negative and I still didn’t believe I was worthy of anything I was doing. How was I suppose to help others when I was so negative about myself?
Then one day it all changed. I learned about Ho’oponopono which is an amazing Ancient Hawaiian forgiveness technique used for hundreds, possibly thousands, of years. (learn more here)
I used this technique to forgive myself for who I was. For not loving who I was. For feeling unworthy. I also used it to forgive certain people in my life and for situations which led to arguments and unhappiness. Feelings of hurt and torment about words which were spoken in anger or words which were never spoken but should have been.
Forgiveness allows us to move forward. To grant ourselves permission to live the life we long to live. To finally know and understand that it is ok to be happy even after a life of turmoil, torment and pain. It doesn’t excuse what has happened but it sets you free.
But it wasn’t only about forgiveness. I learned a few other amazing tricks which clear the mind of debilitating burdens.
Gratitude. Affirmations. Meditation. Acceptance. Empowerment. Acknowledgement.
Without these power moves I would not get through the day feeling as amazing as I do today. The only person who can give you these things now that you are a grown up is YOU.
When my daughter was born I made a promise to myself. I had to do better. I had to be better. I had to be a better mother than the one I was given. I could not be that kind of mother to my daughter and have her become an adult and feel such hatred for herself that she can barely get through the day. Where she just exists on this earth not knowing how much she is truly loved. Second guessing who she is. Not living up to her soul’s purpose. Not feeling free.
Amongst all of the negative thoughts about myself over the last 6 years since Harry was born there has been one other constant thought. Why was Harry brought into my life and then taken away? The more I sit with this question the more clarity I receive. He came to me to teach me how to be a good mother. To not let his life be insignificant. As hard as this is to say, if Harry got to come home with us there is a strong possibility I may have continued on the wrong path. The Universe gave me a gift. A heartbreaking gift for which I am truly grateful.
And, I am the first to admit that it has been a huge learning curve. This motherhood thing. But everyday I keep to that promise. I’m not always perfect and that anger still surfaces. However, it is being released and the pressure inside of me is no longer giving way to a full blown explosion.
I am not perfect. And neither are you. But you are you. And you deserve to be free from whatever is holding you back.
All you need to begin is a teeny, tiny bit of determination. This is what has kept me going. My determination to be better. There has always been a spark inside me and it has now ignited. Whoosh! The good kind by the way. The fire in my belly is propelling me forward. To live my souls purpose.
I have been through my own torment and pain so I can come out the other side and help as many women as I possibly can to ignite their own spark. Don’t let your spark die. Don’t be the one to extinguish your own spark.
We have been held back for too long. We deserve to feel good about who we are and what we look like. We can’t let others control our thoughts any longer. We need to take back the power. Our power.
All women are beautiful. We are entitled to love who we are.
We have to give ourselves permission to be happy, healthy, loved, adored, cherished, empowered, amazing, beautiful, capable, grateful, forgiving, inspiring, bold, real, passionate, sure, confident, connected and 100% POSITIVE.
So, now it is your time. Your time to grow. To evolve. To Blossom.
Bloom, Beautiful. Be Free.
If you would love some guidance and support as you navigate your way through your own evolution then please come along to the weekly Motivation Meetings held at Upper Coomera Community Centre every Monday evening at 7pm. Beginning September 2nd.
For more information please click on the button below.
If you are unable to make it to the weekly meetings we can arrange for a private consultation either in my clinic in Pimpama or via private video meeting.
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